14 Top Tips for Dating Once You Have Hit Your 40s

Dating after 40 can be a much more worthwhile and enjoyable experience than you might think. While nobody wants to get to that age and be single, we all go through a multitude of ups and downs in our lives that can result in us still being single in our 40s. Maybe you focused on your career or traveled the world? Or maybe the love of your life turned out to be a dud? Whatever the reason, not all of us can live the storybook life of meeting someone in our 20s and staying together forever.

For many, dating is a minefield of bad matches, ghosting, and failed relationships. It can be especially tough to dip your toes back in the dangerous waters of the dating pool if you are recently out of a long-term relationship. Even more so if you are divorced with kids. It might sound a little scary but there are also several benefits about dating in your 40s.

You’ve lived half your life and have no doubt been through some shit, so you know who you are as a person and what you can handle. This means you generally also know what you want from life, and a relationship, making it easier to weed out the bullshit and find people you can connect with.

If you are still a little hesitant about it all, we’ve put together this handy guide with a number of tips to help you get back on the dating scene.

1. Make Sure You Are Ready To Date

Before you download the dating apps, sign up for speed dating, or go on that blind date with your mate’s girlfriends co-worker, make sure you are good to go. Dating in your 40s is time-consuming and takes effort. This is especially true if you have kids and are co-parenting. Not only do you need time, but you to be in the right headspace.

Make sure you are 100% over your last partner and ready to find someone new. Nobody wants to hear you rag on about your ex all date. Also, make sure you are open to meeting someone new. While having a partner is great, so is having your own space. It can be easy to get comfortable being on your own so if you are happy, don’t try and force a relationship. Just start dating when you feel ready again.

2. Know What You Want

This might seem obvious, but knowing what you are after is paramount to finding a long-term partner. Having dated in your 20s and 30s and been in a number of relationships, you no doubt have a grasp of what you want from your next partner. If you are still a little unsure, write down the things you are looking for. This could be anything from honesty and trust to someone who likes the outdoors and traveling. This way you can create a picture of the type of person you want to date. But just remember, there is no such thing as a perfect partner. While not everyone will possess all the qualities you are looking for, try and meet people that reflect most of the same morals and goals you have in your life.

3. Forget the Past

Part of making sure you are ready to date is also leaving your past behind. Whatever experiences you have had when it comes to relationships, you need to take the lessons from them and move on. There is no point in being hung up on something your ex did or constantly thinking about negative parts of some of your previous relationships. Throw all of that bad juju in the bin.

Whatever bad experiences you have had will no doubt have helped shape the person you are today. So be free of any bad vibes and let your past relationships lie so you can get on with forming a new one with that someone special.

4. Take Your Time

You might feel like the clock is ticking, but rushing into dating is a bad decision. If you are recently recovering from a bad breakup then you need to focus on yourself first. “Self-care after a divorce can help you reclaim your sense of worth and value, which can suffer in the aftermath of a split, especially if it was messy,” explains Sibel Golden, a psychotherapist and Expressive Arts Therapist in Seattle and founder of Real Food + Real Beauty to Reader’s Digest. “This is a time for healing. Think of it as nurturing yourself with a balance of activities that you enjoy, as well as solitude and introspection.”

Even once you are mentally and emotionally ready, you don’t need to line up five dates a week. Organize to meet prospective partners when you are ready and have the time. If they are keen they will be happy to work around your schedule if you are busy. If you are on the apps, don’t think you have to match and go on a date straight away. Get to know them and when you are comfortable, suggest a catch-up.

5. Be Clear On Your Intentions

There is no point beating around the bush. If you are dating in your 40s you most likely know what you want from a partner and what you expect from a relationship. Make sure you let your date know this. Don’t compromise on your beliefs or morals.

If you are using the apps, put that in your profile. Say you are looking for a long-term relationship. Reiterate this when on your date and see what she is after. It is better to get it all out in the open early so you don’t end up falling for each other only for the relationship to end because you want different things.

If you are just looking for fun, that’s cool too, just be open and honest. You should not be leading people on or ghosting them in your 40s. You know better than that.

6. …But Keep the First Date Light

While chatting about your wants and expectations is fine, don’t go on a deep dive into your past relationship. While there is nothing wrong with talking about why you are single and giving your date a general overview, you don’t need to tell them the nitty-gritty.

A first date is meant to be about getting to know someone; their likes, dislikes, what they do for a job, their favorite tv shows, etc. Even if they don’t seem like the type of person you want to date long-term, have fun with the evening and make the most of it.

Don’t take things too seriously either. You are both there to have fun, so make it an enjoyable experience. This especially helps if things don’t go as well as you might have hoped. You won’t feel as down in the dumps if you haven’t gone in thinking she is the one.

7. Don’t Date Someone Like Your Ex

Talking with Oprah Daily, former Sex & Relationships Editor for Cosmopolitan and author of How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don’t Lane Moore said, “It can be tempting to go out with a person who reminds you of someone you’ve already had a relationship with.”

While this is an easy thing to do, it is not a wise decision to make. There. is a reason why the last relationship didn’t work so dating someone who is similar is a recipe for disaster. You need to stop dating people who are unhealthy for you and find someone who exhibits the qualities you value in a person.

8. Understand Your Schedules Might Not Match

If you are over 40 you probably have a bit more going on in your life than when you were dating in your 20s. It is not as easy to organize a spontaneous trip to the pub. Staying out all night is no longer an option when you start work at seven the next morning.

If you have kids that can also make catching up trickier. They will always come first, and rightly so. Your new partner will have to work around them, and the same goes for you if they have kids and you don’t.

Both you and your new partner have to be aware of each other’s schedules and organize to see each other when you can. This might mean going a week or two without hanging out. Plan your next date soon after the first one so you have a date locked in and something to look forward to.

9. Don’t Rely on Dating Apps

These days dating seems to be exclusively online. The pandemic certainly hasn’t helped, but remember the good old days of walking up to someone in a bar and having a chat? If you are in your 40s or older, you are part of the last generation of folks who grew up meeting people in the real world. So why not give it another try?

One of the biggest fears people have is being knocked back, but if you’ve been doing this for over 40 years, someone being not interested shouldn’t be too much of a big deal. Just make sure you approach someone in a warm and friendly manner that doesn’t scream serial killer.

While the apps are great, don’t rely on them to find your next partner. Be sure to get back out in the real world and meet people.

10. …But If You Do Use Them, Be Honest

As pointed out earlier, be honest with your expectations and wants and needs. Put this in your profile so people know what you are looking for. Also, be sure to use recent photos. One of the biggest problems many people come across while dating online is people not actually looking like their photos.

That photo of you on the beach in Hawaii might look great, but if it was taken 10 years ago before your man bod started to take shape and your hair went grey it is probably not a good representation of who you are. Be sure your pictures are up to date and give a good representation of who you are. And remember to smile in them.

11. Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

You probably have a type of person you have dated throughout most of your life. If you get to your 40s and you are still single, maybe it is time to open your mind to dating people you normally wouldn’t. This doesn’t mean you have to go out with someone who is the exact opposite, but find someone who has the qualities you appreciate but might not necessarily enjoy all the same things. While common interests are great, just because she doesn’t like sports doesn’t mean you won’t get on. Shared passions are great, but you also need to live your own life and do some things on your own.

Also, be open to dating people who might be younger or a little older. Don’t be ageist. As long as they are mature and have similar values, age isn’t a big deal. Either is distance. While it is convenient to only date people who live within a 10km radius, be open to meeting people who live further away. What’s distance when it comes to true love right?

12. Kids Come First

No matter if you both have them or only one of you, kids will also be the first priority. So when you meet someone who also has kids, which is more likely now you are in your 40s, respect that you will not be number one on their list of people for quite a while. Having kids certainly makes it harder to organize dates, but it should not deter you from seeking a relationship with someone who has them. Just be flexible when it comes to makinplans and don’t be too disappointed if she cancels.

It can be a relief for many women as there is less expectancy that if you hit it off, children are expected. If you both have children and don’t want more, that is one long-term question already answered.

13. Stay Positive

Dating can be mentally and emotionally tough. Putting yourself out there isn’t always easy, especially if you have more baggage than the rest (ex-partner, kids, mortgage, etc.). Everybody hopes they will meet their next life partner within the first few dates, but that isn’t generally the case. You might find yourself going on multiple dates over a six month period before you meet someone. Maybe even longer. And not every day is going to end with a kiss. Some will be pleasant wihtout exciting, while others will be downright horrible experineces. But through all this you have to stay positive.

Look at the funny side of dating and try and take the positives out of all your experiences, be they good or bad. If you keep an open mind and a positive outlook on dating, sooner or later you will meet that special someone.

14. Never Settle

The most important thing to take away from this article is that you should never settle for anyone you think doesn’t deserve your love. If you are putting yourself out there and being vulnerable and opening up to others, you want them to respect you and do the same. If you feel you aren’t being treated this way or have doubts about someone’s true intentions, cut them loose. You don’t need to settle for second best.

You have been through enough shit in your 40+ years and deserve to find someone who complements you, not complicates.