How Long Should a Relationship Break Be and Does It Work?

Relationships are never easy and sometimes they don’t exactly go according to plan. No matter how much you care and love your partner, there is always the chance you get to a point where you need a time out. This could occur during the early stages, a few years in, or maybe even well after you have gotten married and had kids. That’s not to say a break in your relationship means the end is near, but it may be that you or your partner need some time to reflect on things and make sure you are getting what you want out of the partnership. So how long should a relationship break be?

That is something only you and your partner can work out together. Maybe a few days on your own will help you understand why you are feeling unfulfilled or unhappy, or it could be that your partner needs a few weeks to themselves to work out if the relationship is what they really want. There is no right or wrong answer to this question. It is entirely up to the individual. 

To give you a little more insight, this article looks at what a relationship break is, what it means, and how it can impact you and your partner. There are also a number of hints to help you make the right choices when on a break. 

What Is a Relationship Break?

This is pretty easy to describe. As it suggests, a relationship break is when you, your partner, or both of you, decide to take some time out from being together to reassess things. This doesn’t mean that you are breaking up and going your separate ways. Your relationship isn’t over. You are both just taking a break from seeing each other and working out what you both want from the relationship. 

“A break in a relationship can be helpful to sort out how you feel about a person,” relationship therapist Laurel Steinberg, Ph.D., told Well+Good. Take a step back and ask yourself the hard questions about your partner and the relationship. “Do you see them in your life forever?” “Are you missing them?” “Are you enjoying the time to yourself?” These are just some of the many questions that might cross your mind while on a break. It is up to you to answers these questions and reflect on your time with your partner and where you see things heading. 

Just make sure that having breaks in your relationship doesn’t turn into a regular thing. While it can certainly be something that helps you understand what you want and what your partner means, if you are continually going on breaks it isn’t really helping the relationship. This is more like an off-again on-again relationship where neither of you is taking any responsibility for the relationship. You aren’t using the time alone to reflect, instead just to get away from the relationship. This isn’t productive for a successful partnership and can easily create a toxic environment and cause more harm than good. If this is happening it might be a good idea to call things off permanently or seek couples therapy to get to the bottom of things. 

What Causes a Relationship Break? 

There are many factors that can cause you or your partner to want to take time apart. The three main reasons as stated by Simply Together are as follows:

• A break caused by an argument
• Taking a break because of external factors
• Having a break because of serious relationship problems

When you argue with your partner, especially if things get heated, it is very easy to blurt out you want some time apart to cool off. This generally results in one of you (most likely you) sleeping on the couch for the evening. The worst case is one of you sleeping at friends for the night. The next day you usually make-up and things are fine, but if this isn’t the case, you might decide to take some time apart. 

The second main reason is due to other factors impacting your relationship. Life might be a little overwhelming with work, family, friends and you find yourself questioning your relationship and whether it is what you want. This is totally natural and happens to the best of us. It might be good to spend some time on your own and rediscover yourself and what you need. 

The third cause of a relationship break is usually the most common. It involves deeper problems within your relationship that are making you unhappy It could be to do with the way you are treated by your partner, the way they act, or any number of things. If you are constantly fighting or don’t trust your partner then you might need to not only have a small break from each other but seek some professional help to set things straight in your relationship. 

How To Go About a Relationship Break

If you feel the need to take some time for yourself, the only way you can successfully achieve this is by communicating with your partner and letting them know. Sit them down and talk about how you feel and why you need some time to clear your head and think about the relationship. “Determine what the break will mean to you and what it will mean to your partner,” Toronto-based matchmaker and dating coach Laura Bilotta told Global News.

It won’t be easy and will most likely end in tears, but it is the only way to truly let your partner know how you feel, even if it hurts them. Once you have had a chat about wanting a break there are several things you need to discuss when it comes to the break and what is acceptable during your time apart. Here are some of the things to take into account to make sure you give yourself the right conditions to make educated decisions on the future of your relationship.

1. Set Boundaries

If you have agreed that going your separate ways for a few weeks could be a good thing, you need to set some boundaries. This way you will both have a good understanding of what you can and can’t do and what type of communication is allowed. “An effective and functional break involves an agreement with terms and conditions,” relationship expert Susan Winter told Well+Good. “Both parties acknowledge that they’re still a couple, still exclusive, but have embarked upon doing the interior work needed to bring their relationship to a better place.”

This makes perfect sense. A break shouldn’t be seen as a hall pass to sleep with other women. It is about taking your relationship into account and deciding if it is right for you. It should be a time of self-reflection and focusing on what you want and need. Be sure to discuss how often you should contact each other. Maybe you won’t reach out at all, or maybe a few texts to see how your partner is doing each day is fine. This is up to you and your partner to work out. 

2. Don’t See Other People

This was discussed above, but just to ram it home, don’t fuck around while on a break. This isn’t Friends and you certainly aren’t Ross (at least I hope not). If you are serious about taking time apart then you have to respect each other and do so for the right reasons. If you just want to sleep with others then maybe you shouldn’t be in the relationship at all. If you are in a non-monogamous relationship this makes things a little tricky, but it would still be advisable to not be with other people while on a break. It just complicates the issue and shows a lack of respect for your partner. 

3. Set a Time Limit

Be sure to put a time limit on your break. You don’t want things dragging on from weeks to months. Discuss how long you will be apart and stick to it. It shouldn’t be anything more than three to four weeks. Anything longer and you start to get into territory where you might not recover from. If you or your partner suggests something like three months, you need to think about whether you or they are actually invested in the relationship. That is too long of a time period to be apart.

Try and stick to the timeframe you initially decided on. “You may decide halfway through the agreed-upon time that you want to be with that person, but you should respect the time frame,” dating expert Leslie Edwards told Global News. “You’ve reflected and reached a decision but the other person may need more time.” Sound advice if you ask me. 

4. Contact Rules

Now there are no set rules when it comes to whether you keep in contact, but whatever you decided you must stick to. For some, it might be no contact at all. Using the time apart to completely focus on yourself and how you see the relationship. For others, it might be a text every couple of days to see how the other person is doing. Whichever way you swing, be sure to stay consistent. Chopping and changing will not help the situation and only make it worse. 

5. Explore the Reasons for the Break Up

While you are on a break, take the time to look at your relationship and the reasons why things have got to where they are. Now that you have all this time on your hands, use it to analyze your relationship and the things that aren’t working. Get your priorities in order and understand what makes you happy and what you want from your partner. This could be something as simple as them spending more time with you or listening better. It could also unearth deeper problems in the relationship you might need to address with your partner and a relationship expert. 

6. Don’t Set Unrealistic Expectations

So you have spent some time apart, addressed some of the issues in your relationship, and now are ready to meet with your partner and move forward. Don’t go in with blinkers on expecting a lovefest. You will both have a lot of questions about each other and the relationship to talk about. Things aren’t magically going to be great again. Your problems won’t disappear because you stayed on your mate’s couch for a couple of weeks. It is going to take a lot of hard work from you both. You will need to explore the reasons for the break and how you can make the relationship better for you both. Remember that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. It takes hard work and commitment from you both. Keep your expectations realistic. 

How To Deal With a Relationship Break

Whether it was your idea or hers, taking a break can be nerve-wracking. This is especially the case if you have been together for a long time. It can be daunting to think you will be on your own for a few weeks. You have to turn this trepidation into positive thoughts and use the time to be introspective and look at your relationship in a different light. It really is the best time to reflect on your relationship and make sure it is a healthy one. Identify what makes you happy and what doesn’t. If you are more visually inclined, make a list of the pros and cons of the relationship. Write down the things that make you happy and those that don’t. This can give you a good overview of your relationship and where it is at. 

A break can also be a good time to reconnect with family and friends and talk to them about any concerns you have. They can be great soundboards for your feelings and will offer advice they believe will help you. Just be prepared to hear some things you might not like. You might even want to speak with a counselor or therapist and get some feedback that way. Just be sure to be honest with yourself about your partner and the relationship and make choices moving forward that benefit you and your mental health. 

How Long Should a Relationship Break Last?

As discussed earlier, there is no real concrete answer to this, but it is best to make the break less than a month. That way you both have a timeframe where you can think about your relationship and what you want from it. Then when you meet up again you can discuss all of this and hopefully overcome any issues and grow together in a healthy and successful relationship. If the break goes on for too long you might not end up getting back together at all.

Do Relationship Breaks Work?

This ultimately comes down to the individuals. It is entirely up to you and your partner to make things work. If you go by statistics, the outlook isn’t great. A 2004 study found that only one-third of couples who took a break and got back together stayed together in the long run. But don’t let that dishearten you. Relationship excerpts do believe a break can be handy. It is more about the way you go about it. If you take on the advice discussed above and make sure you are both on the same page there is no reason why you can’t make the relationship work. Not being with your partner for a few weeks may make you realize how much you want them in your life and motivate you to do whatever you can to make the relationship a success. 

Final Thoughts

Like most things in life, there is no guarantee a break in your relationship is going to work. You might find you enjoy your time alone or your partner may discover that she doesn’t see you two getting back together. On the flip side, it could strengthen your bond and make you want to work through any problems you have. At the end of the day, it is up to you both to want to work through any issues you have and commit to making the relationship work. A break might just be the thing that spurs you both on to create a healthy, successful, and long-lasting relationship.