How To Get the Spark Back in the Bedroom

New couples are the first to jump into the bedroom. It’s new, exciting, and you just can’t keep your hands off of each other. Sometimes you won’t even make it to the bedroom. After some time, the desire to rip each other’s clothes off can begin to fade if you don’t work on keeping the spark alive. It doesn’t mean your feelings for each other have necessarily faded, but sex doesn’t always remain a top priority in a relationship, especially long-term relationships. 

Your focus as a couple could now be on saving for a house, meaning you work longer hours, or taking care of a newborn baby that keeps you up all night, leaving sex low down on your list of priorities. Not having sex regularly can cause the fire to burn out, but we speak to the experts to find out how to relight it and spice up your sex life.

1. Add Sex Toys

According to Stacy Rybchin, Founder and CEO of My Secret Luxury, there are many benefits to using sex toys to get the spark back in the bedroom as you experiment with new types of sensation. “Sex toys help you to have more enjoyable sex. They help you spice up your relationship and have a more fun sex life,” she says. They also “help you to have better sex.”

About 75% of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm and can not orgasm with penis-in-vagina sex. Sex toys help with this.” There are just some things a penis can’t do, sorry guys. 

If your stamina isn’t what it used to be when you first met when you were sexed-up teenagers, Rybchin recommends introducing sex toys as they don’t get tired (until they run out of batteries of course). But plugging it back in to charge is a hell of a lot easier than building up your stamina. 

2. Add Variety

“Sometimes, doing the same thing over and over can get boring and old. Adding variety in the bedroom changes things up and creates more fun, excitement, and intimacy,” says Rybchin. Doing the same thing again and again can lose its appeal, even when it involves sex. There wouldn’t be so many different sex positions if the standard missionary did the trick! But don’t just think of sex positions.

“Arousal oils are an excellent way to help your partner get aroused and kick-start her lubrication by bringing more blood flow to her clitoris,” says Rybchin. She also suggests playing sex games as they’re a great way to reveal sexual desires by encouraging you both to talk about sexual play that you might not be comfortable discussing without some encouragement. “When you change things up, you might be surprised at some of your favorites.”

3. Focus on Building the Desire

“There are two types of desire: spontaneous (happens out of nowhere) and responsive (takes more work and happens after something sexual starts),” explains Rybchin. If you’ve lost the spark in the bedroom, she advises focusing on responsive desire as you’re less likely to be spontaneous. To focus on this type of desire, you can begin by kissing/touching for a few minutes, or whatever turns you on during the lead-up to sex.

If fireworks aren’t happening, you’re less likely to want to have sex and may need a little persuading with foreplay. Many people skip foreplay because they’re so excited to get to the main event that they don’t need any convincing it’s worth attending. Foreplay can help to build the responsive desire for sex. 

The time at which you make your first move is crucial. Make sure you give yourself the best possible chance at turning her on. “Have sex before the end-of-the-day exhaustion – morning sex, sex as soon as you’re both home from work, or having sex before you leave for your date night,” she says. 

4. Get Curious and Ask Questions

Being curious and asking questions can open up more communication between you and your partner to help you bring the spark back. If you want to try something new in the bedroom (like toys, new positions, sensation play), “ask your partner: how do you feel about trying XYZ? It is important to discuss trying new things in the bedroom so that everyone is on the same page and feels comfortable,” says Rybchin.

Or “What is your sexual fantasy? When you ask your partner this question, you might be surprised what the answer is! It could be role-playing or a fetish,” says Rybchin. Role-play is where you and your other half act out a role or persona, using it to act out fantasies or explore taboos. “You can make it as simple or elaborate as you want.

Maybe you start by talking through the fantasy or you gear up with costumes, props, and naughty names.” Fetishes are objects and acts, though not typically sexual, that turn you on or get you off. Depending on the fetish and your desire for it, Rybchin suggests watching porn featuring it, incorporating its props, or acting it out in full.

5. Understand Clitoral Stimulation

“Most men don’t know that about 75% of women cannot achieve orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone without clitoral stimulation if their clitoris is located more than one inch from the vagina,” says Rybchin. The clitoris has around 8000 sensory nerve endings (vs the penis’ 4000), and it’s the one body part whose only function is pleasure. “Couples that stimulate the clitoris before, during, or after sex have better sex lives and overall better relationships because everyone is receiving the pleasure they deserve.”

6. Get Your Flirt On

Flirting is a huge part of the dating stage, but it plays an even bigger role in keeping the spark alive. When we flirt, we typically use the things we love (or extremely like if you’ve just met) about the other person. Being constantly reminded of what you love the most by flirting with your partner can help to set the fire alight.

In a long-term relationship, sex is so much more than just sexual chemistry, it helps you to express the love you have for each other. So, when the things you love about her are always at the forefront of your brain, you’ll want to convey the love you have for her, and what better way to do it than “making love?”

But Susan Bratton, Sex Expert, and International Best-Selling Author encourages us not to forget the sexual side to flirting, especially when you want it to lead to sex. “Flirt with each other daily. Winks. Butterfly kisses. Lingering hugs. Sexy texts,” she says. “Plus verbal appreciation: Compliment your partner with specifics on why you find them sexy in equal measure with describing in detail what they do that impresses you. This bonds you together emotionally.”

7. Schedule Erotic Playdates

Erotic playdates take the pressure off of having sex while working on your new set of sexual skills together. This will bond you sexually and intellectually – basically chemistry classes with lots of fun experiments (and a lot different to the ones you had in high school). “Schedule erotic playdates to learn new passionate lovemaking techniques together such as Yoni (Vulva) Massage for her and Lingam (Penis) Massage for him, g-spot awakening, female ejaculation, becoming a multi-orgasmic man or having expanded orgasm practice,” says Bratton.

Be fair and take it in turns to choose the subject of the session so you can reach mutual satisfaction – nothing dims the spark more than someone who’s selfish with sex. 

8. Try New Sex Positions in New Locations

What’s better than new sex positions? New sex positions in new locations. Now we’re not telling you to go have sex in public (we’re also not telling you not to), but switching up positions and location can intensify the excitement. While we’re talking about “how to get the spark back in the bedroom,” it doesn’t necessarily have to be in the bedroom – how adventurous you get with this one is up to you.

“Plan a date to try one together each week. Doing this generates new sexual relationship energy,” she says. Knowing what your other half is now capable of is guaranteed to heat things up. But don’t forget to mix up the location for each new sex position, even if it’s just switching the sofa for the shower.

9. Set Up Your Lover Space

It’s all about the little details. You’ve probably noticed sex is so much hotter when you’re on a romantic getaway – it’s meant to be romantic. You (or the hotel staff) make an effort to make it so.

When you’ve been in a long-term relationship, the bedroom where you have sex is just a bedroom. A hotel room on the other hand is the ideal atmosphere to have sex filled with candles, aphrodisiacs, and fresh bedsheets.

To get you both in the mood, “set up your lover space with candles, sexy music, a pitcher of water, some grapes and strawberries, a stack of soft towels, warm sweet almond oil and give your lover a sensual massage,” says Bratton. 

10. Up Your Verbal Game

When you’ve been with someone a while, compliments aren’t said as often as they once were. If you showered her with compliments in the first year of the relationship, it doesn’t mean you get a free pass for the rest of it. Let her know how funny, caring, beautiful, and sexy you think she is.

Chances are if you’re still with her you still think it, you just forget to verbalize it as much. “Women want to be found sexually irresistible and feel adored in equal measure. Tell her daily, with as much specificity as possible what you find sexy about her and what you appreciate about her, such as ‘your ass looks so sexy in those jeans to me,’” says Bratton.