How To Successfully Get Back With Your Ex After a Breakup
Breakups are never fun, especially when you are the one getting dumped. But sometimes it isn’t that easy to let go. Getting back together with your ex isn’t as uncommon as it might seem. A study by Science Daily in 2015 found that almost 50% of couples gave their relationship another go after ending it. While they didn’t go into details about how many of these relationships stayed intact, it would be surprising if more than 25% succeeded.
Getting back with an ex brings with it all sorts of problems and issues that require both of you to work through all your baggage. Depending on how your relationship ended the first time around also impacts how your new love will blossom. There are several things you can do to make sure the relationship is a success, and we have detailed the major points below so you can reconnect with your ex and have a happy relationship.
1. Work on Yourself
Before you even think about getting back with your ex, make sure you have worked on yourself. Prioritize your mental and emotional health over everything. Take the time after the break up to work on aspects of your personality that need improvement. If the relationship ended because of something you did or the way you acted, it is on you to make a change. There is no way your ex will get back with you if you are still the same as before.
If the relationship ended because of your ex, you have to be in the right headspace to want to give them another chance. You have to be at peace with whatever they did and be able to put your energy into making the new relationship work.
2. Give Each Other Space
No matter if it has been a few days or a few weeks, you need time to digest the break up and everything that went wrong and why. Take as much time as you need to work through things and give each other plenty of space.
If it is your ex that wants to get back together, let them know you need some time to think things through before committing to catching up. As mentioned above, working on yourself is the first thing you need to prioritize, and this requires time away from your ex. If it is you that wants to get back together, allow your ex as much time as she needs to work through things.
3. Make Sure You Both Want the Same Thing
Before you start dreaming about rekindling your romance and starting a family as you had always dreamed, make sure you are both on the same page. When a relationship ends, it is usually because one person has fallen out of love with the other or there have been a number of issues that haven’t been adressed. You don’t just automatically fall back in love with someone, especially if the break up was bad. You have to make sure that if you are going to give things another crack, you both want the same things and are doing it for the right reasons.
When you go through a break up it is only natural that you will miss your ex, but that doesn’t mean you are right for each other. Feeling lonely and afraid you might not meet someone else is not a good enough reason to get back with your ex. If you are contemplating giving it another crack, you both need to sit down and discuss not only your feelings but what you both want from the relationship. You have to work through the problems and reasons why you broke up in the first place.
Set clear boundaries and talk about goals. Let your partner know what you want from her moving forward and what you expect the relationship to be like. If you fought all the time, address the reasons for this and how you can overcome that. Take some time to yourself to make sure you are in the right spot mentally and emotionally. Without establishing the reasons for your initial break up, and how to fix those issues, there is no way your relationship will succeed the second time around.
4. Talk Through Your Problems
As identified above, you need to understand the reasons why your relationship ended in the first place. The only way you can do this is by talking with each other and putting it all out there, no matter how much pain that causes. If there were things she did that hurt you or had a negative impact on your relationship, let her know. On the flip side, if she has her own concerns, acknowledge these and apologize when necessary. Being able to forgive and forget is a major stepping stone in reconnecting. This especially rings true if your relationship was plagued by infidelity or emotional abuse. These are serious issues that you or your partner may need a long time to get over. For these types of problems, it might be best to talk with a professional to get their view on things.
“If you get back together, you want the relationship to be different this time around and you want to avoid recreating the same dynamics as before,” relationship therapist Rhonda Milrad told Insider. “So it is important that each of you understands the role that you played in the issue that led to the initial break up, and be willing to work on yourself to change your behavior.”
5. Talk With Family and Friends
If you really don’t know what to do, seek guidance from those closest to you. Your family and friends are the best people to speak to. They know you best and have seen firsthand how you and your ex functioned in a relationship. Some of them might have been through similar situations and can give you their point of view. Even if they don’t have all the answers, it is a good sounding board for you to get your views across and get someone else opinion that isn’t your ex.
But also be prepared to hear some things you might not want to. Your family and friends will be super honest with you and may not agree with what you are saying. If you love and trust them, take the information on board and use it to make an informed decision about your ex and the future of your relationship.
6. Be Prepared for Backlash
There were obviously reasons why you broke up in the first place. If it was because of infidelity or emotional abuse, there is a good chance your friends and family know every detail and were the ones who helped you through the first few days and weeks of the break up. If you suddenly come out and say you are giving things another go, be prepared for some backlash.
Your friends and family will have their opinions, and while there is a strong chance they will urge you not to get back with your ex, understand they are doing this from a place of love. They care for you and don’t want you getting hurt. They don’t have to like the idea, or your ex for that matter, but if they love and care for you they will respect your decision to give things another go.
You have to be prepared to lose some friends if you get back with your ex. Some people will not have it and that could mean the end of long-standing friendships. This is why you have to be 100% that you want your ex back. You are risking a lot more than just your relationship with them.
7. Learn To Forgive
You can’t expect to make things work if you haven’t fully forgiven each other for your past mistakes. No matter the reasons why your relationship ended last time, if you have both not forgiven each other then you might as well give up now. Forgiveness isn’t always easy, so be sure to talk about your feelings and elaborate on your concerns about getting back together. Not only do you need to forgive your partner, but also yourself.
When you fully understand how you contributed to the downfall of the relationship and the reasons why things didn’t pan out the way you intended, you can fully understand each other, making it much easier for you to look at your mistakes and make peace with yourself.
8. Commit for Real
Many times when people get back together after a break up it turns into a series of on-again, off-again moments. Known as a cynical relationship, this type of partnership refers to couples who break up and get back together again numerous times. As you can probably imagine, this type of behavior is not conducive to a successful realtinship. This is something proved correct by a recent study.
Amber Vennum, assistant professor of family studies and human services found that couples who are involved in cynical relationships tended to end up worse than before. People in cynical relationships often lack communication, make poor decisions that impact negatively on the coupling, and are generally less satisfied with their life. This leads to low self-esteem and other emotional problems.
If you are going to get back together you both have to be serious about the relationship if you want it to work. There is no point going in half-hearted or doing so because you are lonely or miss the sex. You have to be all in.
9. Seek Counselling
Even if you think you have sorted everything out and are ready to give your relationship another crack, it could be worth seeing someone professionally and getting their opinion. While your family and friends can provide you with support, they have a biased way of looking at things. Seeing a counselor or relationship expert allows someone with a neutral view of your relationship to give honest feedback and help you make the right decisions moving forward. They can also let you know if you are both in the right headspace to try again and help you make a true commitment that will last.
You also have to be prepared for the worst. One or both of you might still be exhibiting the red flags that ruined your relationship the first time around. If this is the case, a health professional won’t mince words and will make sure you are both aware getting back together might not be a good thing
10. Take Things Slow
If you have decided to reconnect after a relationship break, there is no need to rush into things. Take things slow and steady. You need to rebuild trust and that is something that takes time. If you were living together, don’t move straight back in. If you were seeing each other almost every day, don’t go back to that schedule. Plan one on one dates where you can reconnect without too much pressure. Make sure you still have plenty of space and can work on yourself while trying to get your love life back on track.
11. Have a Trial Period
Along with taking it slow, another suggestion is to have a trial period. This way there is less pressure on you both to guarantee that the relationship is a success. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it your all, but if you both understand it is a trial it makes it easier to work through your emotions and try and establish any trust lost in the relationship.
This allows you to create new, healthy routines that are productive to the success of the relationship. It also gives you both time to think about the relationship and if it is working. If there are some issues, you can try and work through them during the trial period.
12. Bring Back the Passion
Once you feel the relationship is working well and you are ready to jump back between the sheets (unless you already have) it is time to bring back the passion. When in the bedroom be more attentive to your partner and their needs. As much as you must both grow emotionally together when giving things another go, you must also do so sexually. Be prepared to try new things and be open to experimenting with your partner.
Reigniting the passion doesn’t just mean sex either. Kissing, cuddling, and complimenting your lady are all ways you can make the spark between you both burn brighter. Texting her messages reminding her how much you care or letting her know why you love her are great ways to show this. You can even send a few risque messages or photos if you are both that way inclined.
However or whatever you decide, just make sure you are continually remaining her how sexy and amazing she is and how much she means to you.
13. Don’t Stop Trying
Often when you get back together with an ex the first few weeks or months are like the honeymoon period all over again. If you have both taken time to work on yourselves and are both in a good place, you will be trying your best to make it work. This means you will be more attentive, affectionate, and engaged.
The problem is many people are like this for the early stages of the relationship, but then fall back into old habits. You have to stay focused and continue to work on yourself and the relationship. If things start getting hard you have to keep communicating. You can’t just shut down and go mute like you previously did. You also can’t be overly affectionate then turn cold once you think everything is going well.
A relationship is a constant work in progress and you have to be willing to put in the time to see the results.
Just Remember It Will Never Truly Be a New Beginning
Even if you follow all the tips above and manage to make your relationship work, it will truly be a new start When you break up with someone it impacts your psyche, especially if it was because of something you or your partner did that was wrong. No matter how hard you try, that baggage will always be there.
“It’s impossible to have a truly fresh start with someone you’ve already dated,” explained Dr. Chloe Carmichael, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating. “It’s really important to recognize that this is a rekindling of an old relationship, not the start of a new one.”
If you split and took time away to work on yourself and look at your behaviors and made changes, you will be a different person. This is the type of energy you need to bring to your relationship so you are in a positive place to give it your all. While the relationship isn’t exactly new, as you have dated before, bringing a positive mindset means you can start fresh with more chance of things succeeding.
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