15 Red Flags To Look For When in a Relationship With a Woman
So you’ve matched with an attractive woman on a dating app who seems like the perfect woman. After a few dates, you realize you have a lot in common and really begin to fall for this woman. Then you notice a few things that are a bit off about her. This quickly leads to a few small fights that soon turn into screaming matches. A few months into the relationship and you’re left scratching your head at where it all went wrong.
There’s a good chance your partner began showing a few red flags long before things got terminal. As is the case with many fresh relationships, it is easy to miss or ignore red flags as you really want to make the partnership work. You might laugh off some of their troubling behavior or tell yourself it is nothing to worry about, but your instincts tell you otherwise.
Similar to men, there are several red flags to look out for when dating a woman. We’ve attempted to address some of these problems you may encounter and what to look out for. Some of these might not seem that big of a deal, but they can cause heartbreak and pain further down the line.
The first four are extremely important and have been pinpointed by famed American psychologist and relationship expert Dr. John Gottman as key red flags you need to look out for. Recognized in 2007 as one of the 10 most influential therapists of the past 25 years, Gottman dubbed four of these red flags as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
So read on to find out more about not only The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse but a number of additional red flags that you need to be on the lookout for.
1. She Is Always Criticizing You
Nobody is perfect and there are bound to be times throughout your relationship where you both criticize each other. But if your partner is criticizing you 24/7 that’s not a good thing. Many people don’t realize that complaining and criticizing aren’t the same thing, even though they seem similar.
Complaining is more like whinging. “Why haven’t you done the dishes yet?” “You’re late again.” “Can you please remember to pick up your clothes from the floor?” These are all fairly harmless. It becomes criticism when the language is more demeaning. “Why haven’t you done the dishes yet you useless prick?” You’re late for the hundredth time. Can you not read time? Are you an idiot?” “Why can’t you pick up your fucking clothes from the floor you dickhead?” See the difference?
It is only natural that you will argue and criticize your partner occasionally, but if this is happening on a regular basis it’s not on. This is a form of emotional torture and will only damage your self-confidence and impact you mentally. It is the first red flag of Gottman’s The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse and a sign your relationship is on the rocks.
2. She Gets Defensive
People who act defensively often don’t take ownership of their mistakes. They also never believe they are wrong. If your partner is defensive she will most likely never admit anything was her fault and probably blame you for any major problems that occur. If she makes a mistake and doesn’t apologize, or worse, blames you, an argument is sure to follow. Defensive people are often the cause of many arguments in relationships, and while we all argue, somebody usually ends up saying sorry, unlike defensive people. If you see this trait in her then it’s best to cut your losses and move on.
3. She Treats You With Contempt
There is nothing worse than someone who continually berates and teases you. While it is true a bit of banter makes a relationship fun, if she is the one who is always mocking or disrespecting you then it’s not going to work. If she does this in front of your friends it can be embarrassing and make you feel even worse. This particularly becomes evident when you are discussing important things.
If she doesn’t seem to take your opinion seriously and is always making sarcastic cracks, she is treating you with contempt. This can also damage you mentally and emotionally. Similar to being constantly criticized, if she undermines you and never takes what you say seriously, that will decrease your self-esteem and play on your mind. It can often lead to depression and much worse. You want to cut this out of your life.
4. She Stonewalls You All the Time
The fourth and final of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse red flags is stonewalling. What is stonewalling I hear you ask? This is when your partner refuses to engage in conversation about something important. People who stonewall will use any excuse not to discuss the problems you are having, claiming they are busy or don’t have the time. Now not everyone who isn’t willing to talk is stonewalling.
If you’ve been having a big argument or there are other things going on in your life, she made need some time to take five and gather her thoughts. This is understandable. But if that five minutes turns into five hours, then five days, you might need to reconsider the relationship. It is not healthy to put off important conversations that impact your lives moving forward.
5. She Is Needy
Nobody wants a stage five clinger, so if she starts showing signs of neediness early on you best give her the heave-ho. This might seem a little harsh, but what you don’t want in your life is someone bringing you down all the time. People who are needy or need constant reassurance are a burden mentally and emotionally. If you are the one who is constantly being the emotional support it will suck the life right out of you.
Being needy is often linked to low self-esteem and not loving ones self. This is something only she can work on. While you might want to support her during this time, unless you can see that she is really trying and improving, this might not be the relo for you. Your partner needs to have your back and be able to give you the same support you offer her. Without that things are doomed.
6. She Is a Drama Queen
If she turns everything into the biggest deal ever, run for the hills. Drama Queens will make your life a living hell. Everything in their life is like a soap opera. There is nothing trivial about what they are going through. If she breaks a nail it will seem like the world is ending. These types of people think the world revolves around them, and when it doesn’t, they will do whatever they can to make sure it does. This often leads to even more problems and can be taxing on your relationship.
7. She Bags All Her Exes
We’ve all had a couple of dud partners who made our lives less than desirable, but I’m sure you have also had some great relationships that just didn’t work out. If your girlfriend continually rinses all her exes and finds no positives in any of them, there’s a good chance she was the problem. Just because a relationship didn’t go the way you wanted it to doesn’t mean the person who dumped you is horrible. If she believes all her relationship problems are due to her exes, it’s more than likely she is the one who is the problem. She is obviously not very self-aware and could also be defensive, another red flag. Stay well clear of someone like this.
8. You Don’t Get On With Her Friends
Nobody expects. you to be best mates with her friends, but if you can’t stand being in the same room with them you have a problem. You might think your girlfriend is her own person, but these are her friends because they share similar interests or morals. This means she is more than likely very similar to her friends, which doesn’t bode well for the long run.
It’s very easy to overlook the small similarities between her and her friends at the beginning, as you’ve got the love goggles on. Give it a few months and you will quickly discover you’ve been missing this red flag and now need to dig yourself out of the hole you’ve found yourself in.
9. She Is a Flake
Nobody wants to be with someone who always bails on plans. This is a red flag you will most likely encounter early on in the courtship process. If she has already ditched you several times before you’ve even started dating you are best to leave things as they are. While she might have a good excuse to get out of plans you have organized, if this becomes a regular thing it is a sign she isn’t really that into you or doesn’t care about your feelings. It’s hard to trust a flake, as you never know when they are going to disappear on you. It also makes it hard to plan a future together if you’re not quite sure if they are even going to be around.
10. You Argue All the Time
This isn’t as much a red flag as a burning one. If you and your other half can’t go a day without screaming obscenities in each other’s faces then it is probably best you go your separate ways. While we all have conflict in our relationships, most of us are able to put our differences aside and compromise on issues, or when you realize you are wrong, you apologize. If this is not the case and your arguments go for days you are in trouble.
According to science, there is a thing called the Magic Relationship Ratio. This scientific formula proposes the ratio of positive experiences to negative ones should be 5:1. So for every argument or fight, there should be five positive moments or experiences. If your ratio is more geared towards 1:5 you need to sort yourself out and move along and find a happy and fulfilling relationship.
11. She Is Not Flexible
No, we don’t mean she can perform incredible feats of movement in the bedroom, but that she is willing to compromise when things get tough. Flexibility is a major hallmark of any relationship. When entering a partnership with someone you both need to be able to be flexible and adjust to each other and ever-changing situations. When well-laid plans go away, you both have to be able to roll with the punches. If she gets upset or rattled easily when things don’t go the way they are meant to, that’s a red flag.
This also extends to doing things you enjoy. If you ask her to come to the football with you and she outright refuses but then expects you to take her out dancing and pay for everything, that’s not a partnership, more of a dictatorship. Compromise is the key people.
12. Your Core Values Don’t Align
If you are not on the same page when it comes to your goals and values, you don’t have much chance of succeeding in your relationship. During the honeymoon stage, many couples don’t look too far into the future, instead enjoying the here and now. But at some point, you are going to have to have conversations about what you want and value in life. If she is looking for marriage and kids but you are not, it is probably not going to work out in the long run. This also goes for your values. If you are not both on the same wavelength your relationship is not going to last.
13. She Never Pays for Anything
When you first meet for a drink or a meal, paying for everything is the chivalrous thing to do. While many women are happy to split the bill, there is nothing wrong with going all out to impress at first. It is when she expects you to pay that things can go south. You should not be the one forking out your hard-earned every time you do something together.
Your bank account will feel the pinch if you are paying for every meal, drink, coffee, or adventure. Even worse, if you start paying for her when she is out shopping, you need to put your foot down. The only time this is acceptable is if you are a sugar daddy. Then it is expected you will be paying for things. If that is not the case, you need to get out of there quick smart.
14. She Treats Waiters Poorly
So this one might seem to be a bit of a stretch, but you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat a waiter. Working in a restaurant or bar is often a thankless job, trust me, I know. You have to put up with demanding customers and get paid very little. If your date shows no respect for people in these types of server jobs then you might need to think twice about the relationship.
The way they interact with a waiter can often demonstrate if they have empathy and a social conscious. As Office Depot CEO Steve Odland says; “How others treat the CEO says nothing, they say. But how others treat the waiter is like a magical window into the soul.”
15. She Is Violent
Violence in any kind of relationship is unacceptable, but if your partner is attacking you that’s a massive red flag. You might not think domestic violence is perpetrated against men very often, but this is not the case. In fact, studies reveal that women are just as likely to hit or attack their partner as men. This is something that is not on. You might think it was a one-off or an accident, but any type of violent act towards you must be taken extremely seriously and you need to put the relationship to bed, no matter how hard it is.
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