112 Wedding Jokes for Your Big Day
Marrying your forever person is meant to be one of the best days of your life, but sometimes the stress and anxiety can have a negative impact. The last thing you want is to be burdened with these types of feelings on the special day. That’s why wedding jokes are a great way to add some lighthearted fun to the occasion.
You want to be relaxed as possible and enjoy the day, so throwing out a few witty jokes will certainly help. The best wedding jokes are those that are appropriate for all ages and don’t offend anyone. They can be part of the best man’s speech, spoken by the minister, or dropped into a wedding speech given by the groom or a family member. If you are looking for some playful banter to break up the seriousness of the day then you have come to the right place.
We have scoured the internet for the best wedding jokes and come up with a long list of funny quips, hilarious one-liners, and short anecdotes that will have everyone in attendance chuckling. These wedding jokes will provide some happy memories for the bride, groom, and guests and make the wedding day that extra bit special.
112 Wedding Jokes for Your Big Day
1. How do you congratulate a slice of bread on his wedding day? Toast him.
2. A couple was married for 67 years. When asked if in all those years had they ever thought of divorce, the wife replied “Heavens no. Murder, yes. But never divorce.”
3. I bought a ticket to the World Cup finals without realizing it’s also my wedding day! Does anyone want to go in my place? The church is St. Antony’s and the bride’s name is Joanna.
4. Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
5. Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web.
6. Aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next!” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
7. The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if you get me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
8. Your first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. The second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
9. Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always get the last two words in: “Yes, dear.”
10. At the wedding reception, the photographer yelled, “Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.” The bartender was almost crushed to death.
11. Did you hear about the bald man who married his comb? He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
12. Girlfriend: “You’re so childish.” Boyfriend: “It’s my day to Linda.” Wedding planner: “So is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
13. It is true that love is blind because marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
14. Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
15. The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
16. I went to a cannibals wedding last weekend. All was going well until they decided to toast the bride and groom.
17. Did you hear about the two cell phones who got married? The reception was terrific.
18. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
19. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
20. On my wedding day, I walked down the aisle with my back to the altar. I really wasn’t looking forward to getting married.
21. I went to a wedding where all the guests ended up getting food poisoning from the buffet. It was a real party pooper.
22. By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
23. My friend was telling me about a wedding he is going to next year. He said he’ll be wearing the same kilt as the groom. I love the idea, but I’m really not sure how they’re both going to fit into it.
24. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job. He still ends up with the same boss.
25. Two florists recently got married. It was an arranged marriage.
26. Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail.
27. A husband is like a fire. He goes out when unattended.
28. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
29. “I must inform you that I’ve had rather a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile. Therefore please spare a thought and try not to clap and yelp too loudly during my speech, however tempting that might be. You’d think I’d know better than to be out boozing in the early hours just before a big wedding, but I don’t like to see the groom drinking alone.”
30. Why are husbands like lawnmowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.
31. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.
32. “People put the weirdest shit on their wedding registries. What the hell are you going to do with a crystal duck Katie?”
33. Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. I hear two scoutmasters decided to tie the knot.
34. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
35. A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” she replied. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
36. Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall.
37. “If I ever get married I think I will make everyone wear Crocs to the wedding. Dress code: croctail attire.”
38. My ex-wife kept the only copy of our wedding video. I can’t see myself getting married again.
39. Did you hear about the notebook that married a pencil? It finally found Mr. Write.
40. “Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments of silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 200 chickens, countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies, and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.”
41. “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield
42. I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant, and the groom was glowing.
43. My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files. I always have trouble with emotional attachments.
44. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – George Burns
45. What do Polish men give their wives on their wedding day that’s long and hard? Their last name.
46. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
47. “There’s only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it, is I’ll get married again.” – Clint Eastwood
48. My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day. So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.
49. Marriage requires a man to prepare four types of rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering, and the enduring.
50. “I wanted to make a short toast of my own. I’ve known John and Jane for a few years now, and I’ve seen them make a lot of tough decisions together. Some good decisions and some not-so-good decisions. I’m just glad that I could be here today to witness them make the best decision of their lives… choosing me as their MC.”
51. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” – Cindy Garnder
52. Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”
53. Why can’t a vampire see his bride on the wedding day? Because an open casket ceremony costs more.
54. I can honestly say that in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned the groom’s intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it.
55. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty.
56. Do you know why the King of Hearts married the Queen of Hearts? They were perfectly suited to each other.
57. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s been a very emotional day. Even the cake is in tiers.
58. I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married. The ceremony wasn’t great, but the reception was amazing.
59. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress snappy and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say in the life sentence passed earlier today.
60. Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage license?” Wife: “I’m looking for a loophole.”
61. To keep your marriage brimming with love in the marriage cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it, whenever you’re right, shut up.
62. I came home one day. My wife was watching a movie, and she kept on screaming at the TV, don’t do it, don’t do it… I asked her what movie she was watching? She said, “A video of our wedding day.”
63. Some people asked about the secret of Mr. and Mrs. Anthony’s long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: A little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes on Tuesdays; He goes on Fridays.
64. It’s been ten years since the invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids are nothing to look at either.
65. The groom is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to. That’s why (Bride) didn’t worry about introducing (Groom) to hers until today.
66. A man with a southern drawl and a French woman is at the altar when he starts having second thoughts. “Do you take this woman to be your wife?” asks the minister. “Adieu,” the man replies.
67. They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
68. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
69. Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just didn’t have that spark.
70. Marriage is a thing that puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under a man’s eyes.
71. Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?” Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”
72. I liked the whole wedding, but it was the reception that really took the cake.
73. Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.
74. A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
75. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
76. A wedding guest list is the single most political thing you will ever do unless you become the President of the United States of America.
77. “You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves.” – Toni Sciarra Poynter
78. “I’d now like to focus on the groom for a moment. Enjoy it, mate. After today, this is the last time you’ll ever be the center of attention.”
79. “Marriage is like a video game. Starts off easy, then gets harder, and eventually, you go online and find a way to cheat.” – Chris Burns
80. “Why do people insist on saying ‘You’re next’ to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?”
81. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
82. My microwave & freezer got married in a kitchen wedding. Who gave the speech? The toaster.
83. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take. The husband gives and the wife takes.
84. Ran out of battery when filming my friend’s speech at his wedding. Now I’m never going to hear the end of it.
85. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
86. Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction, Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married. “Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” Father Henry requested. Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
87. I received a wedding invitation. It read, “Your presence itself is a present. We don’t want any presents at the wedding.” After re-reading it repeatedly, I concluded that I wasn’t invited. So I decided not to attend.
88. Our marriage was a love match. Plain and simple. She was plain, and I was simple.
89. “I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” – Wendy Liebman
90. The bride and groom began their relationship like a regular pair of love birds, by spending almost every moment together – during which time Linda tried to decide if she could do any better. And seeing as they made it this far, I can only assume the groom had her wings clipped.
91. “The groom has informed me that the buffet this evening is charged on a cost-per-head basis. So, on his behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…”
92. What do the Kentucky Derby and a wedding have in common? They both have months of build-up for two minutes of action.
93. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
94. What’s the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral? One less drunk at the funeral.
95. “Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. If there is anybody here who is feeling worried, nervous, or apprehensive, you’re either me (because I am) or you just married (groom’s name).”
96. “I would like to thank you all for coming here today to celebrate my daughter’s marriage. Just for your information, the seating arrangement has been specially organized with all of the people that bought large presents being placed towards the front and those that bought cheaper smaller presents at the back. There is a special thanks for Uncle Fred who is at the back for the oven glove. The bride would like to ask Uncle Fred if she could have the other glove for their Silver Wedding Anniversary.”
97. What’s the opposite of an aphrodisiac? Wedding cake.
98. There was a man who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going through hell.
99. Why does a bride always cry at her wedding? Because she never marries the best man.
100. A woman was telling her friend, “I made my husband a millionaire.” Her friend replied, “And what was he before you married him?” The woman said, “A multi-millionaire.”
101. “Ladies and Gentlemen: you are all about to witness a unique event in history. The very first and very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us.”
102. Marriage is an institution. In which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s.
103. “Congratulations my boy!” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.” “But I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” protested his nephew.”I know,” replied the uncle, “that’s exactly what I mean.”
104. “Well, I do hope that the bride and groom enjoy their honeymoon. I assume that’s where they’re going anyway. When I asked the groom what he was doing after the wedding he said he was going to Bangor for two weeks…”
105. There is nothing ironic about rain on your wedding day. It’s normal for a couple to have a bridal shower.
106. I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
107. Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it.
108. I went to a wedding where a fight broke out between the bride and groom. It was martial arts.
109. My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
110. “I’d also like to congratulate the groom on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.”
111. Firstly, I’d just like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact, this must be the third time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.
112. In older times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar. Since then, weddings have been held there. Times haven’t changed at all.
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