What Is a Submissive Relationship? Everything You Need To Know

It is only over the past five to ten years that the term ‘submissive relationship’ has entered into popular culture. The rise of kinks in the mainstream media and wildly successful books such as 50 Shades of Grey have put this type of relationship under the spotlight. Before that, you would have to be part of the BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadomasochism) community to have an understanding of what is a submissive relationship.

The increased media attention on sex and greater awareness about kinks and an understanding of sexual practices, coupled with a focus on being sex-positive, has meant most people now have a greater grasp of the term and what it means.

Of course, not everyone is familiar with what a submissive relationship is and what it entails. This article is a little explainer about submissive relationships and everything you need to know about them. So read on and discover what a submissive relationship is.

What Does Submissive Mean?

Let’s start with the basics. The word submissive, as defined by the Cambridge Dictionary, states it means “allowing yourself to be controlled by other people or animals.” That is pretty self-explanatory, although I don’t think any animals will be controlling you in your dating life. Now, most people associate being submissive with sex. When you look at it in that light, people think being submissive means you like to be controlled in the bedroom and are happy to let your partner be the one making all the decisions. But there is a little more to it than that.

While sex is very much a part of a submissive relationship, it is not necessarily the main factor. It is more about the power dynamic between two people. Those who are submissive enjoy being at the mercy of someone else and being told what to do, while those who are dominant prefer to be the ones with all the power.

What Does It Mean To Be in a Submissive Relationship?

For most people, being involved in a submissive relationship revolves around the bedroom. While sex is a big part of any submissive relationship, there are other elements that make up a submissive relationship. Much of it is to do with power, with one partner holding more than the other.

When it comes to sex, one person plays the role of the submissive partner (often called a sub) while the other performs the role of the dominant partner (often called a dom). Both get pleasure from playing their roles. A sexually submissive relationship can include several different things, such as spanking, dirty talk, costumes, impact play (using whips, paddles, etc.), bondage, permission and punishment, and many other sexual practices.

While a submissive person may give their body over to their partner, it is not that simple. It doesn’t just mean the dom can do as they please. Most couples discuss what they like and don’t like beforehand and give consent to the sex they engage in. A safeword is also often used in case one partner feels overwhelmed or is not a fan of what is happening.

As stated, it is more about the power roles. The dom gets off from being in control and having the power while the sub gets their pleasure from being ordered around and controlled by their dom or Master. Examples of this are a dominant partner making the submissive partner give them a massage or making them dress up and do chores. There can also be elements of degradation, as long as both partners are on the same wavelength. This is all about getting off from the power imbalance. It can also involve punishing the submissive partner by whipping them, spanking them, or dolling out other forms of physical discipline. There are also aspects of power dynamics in role-playing, such as teacher/student and policeman/robber.

Being submissive doesn’t just have to be confined to the bedroom. They live their everyday life as a submissive. This is much harder to maintain, especially when trying to hold down a full-time job and have a social life, but some people manage to make their dom/sub arrangement part of their everyday life.

How Does It Differ From a Normal Relationship?

This all depends on the couple. If you and your partner have a dom/sub relationship 24/7 it would look very different from a couple who only take on these roles in the bedroom. The major thing that separates a submissive relationship from a so-called ‘normal relationship’ is a difference in who holds the powers. Even in the most vanilla relationships, one of the couple is likely to be slightly more dominant. They are the ones who initiate new ideas in the bedroom or want to try new things more often. Even if this is only swapping missionary for doggie style, it still shows they are dominant and the ones making the decisions.

This could even be the case in a submissive relationship. The couple might only dabble in things such as light spanking or role-playing. Another couple might be into using handcuffs and more aggressive sex. It differs for everyone. The main similarity is that there is a power imbalance within the relationship that both people consent to. Besides that, the relationship is no different from anyone else’s.

How To Begin a Submissive Relationship

Whether you enjoy being submissive, your partner does, or both of you want to try out a dom/sub relationship, the only way you can find this out is by talking. Communicating your sexual wants and needs enables you to see if you are on the same page. This is something you should be doing early on in your relationship, but it could be that you’ve only recently discovered you enjoy being submissive and want to try this out.

Talk to your partner about how you feel and what you want to try. Don’t try and force your partner to try something she doesn’t want to. Let her know you would like to experiment and see what she says. Sex, like your relationship, is all about compromise and consent. As long as you are both on the same page then there is nothing to worry about.

If she doesn’t feel the same as you and isn’t keen, leave it be. Don’t try and pressure her to do something she doesn’t want to. Leave things as they are. I’m sure your sex life won’t be ruined because she doesn’t want to try one thing. Concentrate on the things you do enjoy in your sex life and make that your focus.

It could also be a good idea to contact people in the BDSM community to get more clarity about what a submissive relationship is before embarking on your journey. If you or your partner want more information, there are plenty of websites and forums where you can chat with experienced players in the BDSM world and discover if being in a submissive relationship is for you.

Benefits of a Submissive Relationship

You might not think it, but engaging in a dom/sub relationship has numerous benefits for yourself and your relationship. Dr. Sandra LaMorgese (sexpert, professional dominatrix, fetishist, and holistic practitioner in mind, body, and spiritual holism) told Allceus that she believes BDSM can help couples create a stronger bond.

“During BDSM sessions, clients often experience a release of dopamine and serotonin, the brain’s feel-good neurotransmitters. These two chemicals are associated with feelings of happiness, tranquility, joy, self-confidence, emotional well-being, and motivation. In addition, the release of the chemical vasopressin compels people toward feeling bonded to one another.”

She asserts that being in this type of relationship is good for your mental, emotional, and physical health. Some of the key benefits include:

• Improving communication, mental health, and intimacy
• Encouraging fidelity
• Helping express sexuality and experiment in a safe space
• Reducing psychological stress and anxiety

Submissive Relationship Tips

If you and your partner have decided to embark on a submissive relationship, there are a number of things you should take into account beforehand. These tips will help you successfully navigate a submissive relationship and get the best out of each other. just be sure that you are both on the same page about what you want and understand each other’s needs.

1. Have an Open Mind

You can not expect to explore your sexuality and different kinks without having an open mind. Be open and honest with each other and communicate your feelings. Discuss your wants and needs and make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to trying out new things. Don’t be judgmental.

As discussed earlier, if there is something you don’t feel comfortable doing, let your partner know. We all have different likes and dislikes and you should never feel pressured into doing something you don’t want to, no matter how much you love your partner and want to please them. On the other side of the coin, don’t make your pattern do something she isn’t keen on. It works both ways.

2. Create a Safe Word

While consent is key, the lines can often get blurred when you are in the heat of the moment. It is easy to get lost in passion. Sometimes it is hard to tell whether the other person is enjoying things or not. This is why a safe word is a great thing to have. It should be a word you can both use if things are getting too much and either of you wants to stop.

3. Trust Your Partner

A big part of any submissive relationship is trusting your partner. No matter whether you are the sub or the dom, you have to respect each other and trust that neither of you will take advantage of the other. If your partner is the sub, she has to trust that what you do to her won’t cross the line. That you won’t slap her too hard or get too rough and cause her physical damage. This can be seen as things turning into an abusive relationship, which is certainly not what a submissive relationship entails.

4. Lower Your Expectations

Don’t expect things to be absolutely mind-blowing from the get-go. Your partner isn’t going to fulfill all your wildest fantasies just because you might be trying something new for the first time. If you are the dominant one, don’t expect your partner to be calling you Master when you are hanging with friends or to be walking around the house in black lace all the time. On the flip side, if you are submissive, you can’t expect to be praised all the time or spend your free time crawling around the floor in a gimp suit.

Just go into things with an open mind and be ready for the experience to be good, not great. Keep your expectations low. That way you will have nothing to worry about and more chance things will be incredible.

5. Be Patient

There is no need to rush into things. If you are just beginning your adventure into the BDSM world and a dom/sub relationship, take your time. Ease your way into the experience. Don’t be expecting your partner to be dressed in black leather and open to you slapping her ass with a paddle dozens of times. Work your way up to things. Make sure everyone is comfortable with their roles and understands what is happening.

6. Set Boundaries

Be sure that both of you are aware of what is fine and what isn’t. You don’t want to feel forced into doing something. neither does your partner. One of the best ways to set clear boundaries is by coming up with a set of rules you can follow, as detailed below.

7. Follow the Rules

Before you embark on your submissive relationship, create a list of rules to follow. Write down things that are acceptable during your experience and things that are not on. Then make sure you follow these rules. You can’t be trying to introduce new things without having spoken about them before. Following the rules you have put in place allows you to build trust between each other. Then as you continue to experiment you can add to your list of rules and experience more aspects of a BDSM relationship.

8. Switch Roles

While males are generally seen as doms and females as subs, this isn’t always the case. Nor does it have to be. Why not switch roles and see what it is like on the other side? Be open to trying something different and experiencing what your girlfriend does. Try out being submissive so you understand her point of view and vice versa. If you don’t like it, that’s fine, but maybe you will enjoy the role swapping.

9. Aftercare

A dom/sub relationship can be quite taxing. It can take a lot out of you physically, mentally, and emotionally. This is why you need to make sure you and your partner look after each other when the fun is over. Talk about your experience and make sure they are ok about everything that went down. If there was something they didn’t like or questions they might have, chat about these things. Make sure you are both happy with the outcome. Clean yourselves up then have a good old cuddle, as there is nothing better than embracing each other and letting it all sink in.

Conclusion

It might seem like a lot to take in, but a submissive relationship is a great way for you and your partner to focus on your intimacy while experiencing new kinks. While it probably won’t be like 50 Shades of Grey the first time you try, keep an open mind and be willing to try things again and keep experimenting. You never know, you might just find yourself liking being in a submissive relationship and find a whole new side to your personality.