80 Funny Toasts for Every Occasion

Toasts have been a major part of human culture since the dawn of time when cavemen would raise their mugs made from animal skulls and grunt in appreciation of each other. Toasting is a time-honored tradition that has been around for centuries. Whether clinking glasses at a wedding, anniversary, birthday, or with friends on a Saturday night out, toasts are a great gesture of goodwill and appreciation to those who mean the world to you.

Giving a toast allows you to be heartwarming and sincere and express your emotions about a person, but they can also be funny. And let’s be honest, there is nothing better than a funny wedding toast. If you are tasked with making the best man speech at your buddy’s wedding or decide to make an off-the-cuff toast while gathered with friends, you want to make your short spiel stand out, which is why funny toasts are the way to go. 

Just saying a simple “Cheers” won’t really get the reception you want, so add a few jokes or funny anecdotes and you’ll be the hit of the celebrations. This is especially true when giving a speech at a wedding or event when you need to hold the audience’s attention for longer than a few seconds. You can sprinkle the toast with self-deprecating humor, silly puns, dad jokes, or hilarious real-life stories that will have everyone roaring with laughter. 

Whichever way you decide to lean, a funny toast is a surefire way to keep the audience entertained while showcasing your comedy chops. Just make sure you don’t upstage the person or people the celebration is about and keep the jokes cleanish. There’s nothing worse than the person giving the wedding toast being remembered for all the wrong reasons.

If public speaking isn’t your thing and you’re struggling for an opening line or a decent gag, we’ve got your back. Here is a wide selection of funny toasts for all occasions that will put everyone in a good mood. So raise your glass and toast to the occasion and let the laughs begin! 

Drinking Toasts 

1. Here’s to the nights we’ll never remember with the friends we’ll never forget.

2. Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that shit.

3. To those who have seen us at our best and seen us at our worst and can’t tell the difference.

4. May we live to learn well, and learn to live well.

5. Here’s to the glass we love so to sip. It dries many a pensive tear, ’tis not so sweet as a woman’s lip but a damned sight more sincere.

6. Drink to life and the passing show, and the eyes of the prettiest girl you know.

7. I drank to your health in company, I drank to your health alone, I drank to your health so many times, I nearly ruined my own.

8. Another day another bender. No retreat no surrender.

9.  Who loves not women, wine, and song, he will be a fool his whole life long.

10. Here’s to a long life and a happy one. A quick death and an easy one. A good girl and an honest one, a cold pint and another one.

11. The first draught a man drinks is for thirst, the second for nourishment, the third for pleasure, and the fourth for madness.

12. Better to be a well-known drunkard than an anonymous alcoholic.

13. Here’s to whiskey, so amber, pure, and clear… It’s not so sweet as women’s lips but a damn sight more sincere.

14. Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

15.  Let us drink to bread, for without bread, there would be no toast.

16. Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.

17. Here’s to alcohol, which often makes one see double and feel single.

18. May the winds of fortune sail you, may you sail a gentle sea, and may it always be the other guy who says: “This drink’s on me.”

19. Drink to a fair woman, who, I think, is most entitled to it. For if anything drives men to drink, she certainly can do it.

20. Here’s to the man who is the wisest and best. Here’s to the man who with judgment is best. Here’s to the man who’s as smart as can be – I drink to the man who agrees with me!

21. To clean glasses and old corks.

22. Here’s to the floor, who will hold you when no one else will. May we get what we want, but never what we deserve.

23. I used to know a clever toast but now I cannot think of it. So fill your glass with anything and damn your souls, I’ll drink it.

24. Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So let’s get wasted and have the time of our life.

25. Here’s to your liver. May it live as long as you last.

26. You’re a gentleman and a scholar and a good judge of bad liquor.

27.  If the ocean was beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and drink myself up. But the ocean’s not beer, and I’m not a duck, so let’s drink these pints and get messed up.

28. Champagne costs too much, whiskey’s too rough, and Vodka puts big mouths in gear. This little refrain should help to explain why it’s better to order a beer.

Wedding Toasts

29. What do late nights, wild parties, and hanging out with friends on the weekend have in common? You won’t be able to do any of those things from now on. But congratulations on your wedding.

30. May all of your ups and downs be only in the bedroom.

31. Here’s to the bride and here’s to the groom. And to the bride’s father who’ll pay for this room.

32. Now, let’s raise our glasses to the happy couple. I actually like both of you – do you have any idea how rare that is?

33. Let’s raise our glasses to the two secrets of a long-lasting marriage: a good sense of humor and a short memory.

34. May you never lie, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie with each other. And if you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink with us. Cheers to the newlyweds. 

35. Here is to the groom with a bride so fair, and here is to a bride with a groom who is so rare.

36. A good marriage is like a casserole: only those responsible for it really know what goes into it.

37. Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. Remember: they also chose you. Cheers.

38. Saying “I do” at your wedding is like clicking the ‘I accept’ box any time a new piece of software on your computer or phone asks you to read its terms and conditions: You do it despite having no idea what will come next. 

General Toasts

39. May we get what we want, what we need, and never what we deserve.

40. The past is always tense, and the future perfect.

41. To the holidays – all 365 of them.

42. May we be who our dogs think we are.

43. To those that wish us well; the rest can go to hell.

44. May you never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

45. Here’s to staying positive and testing negative.

46. May we all have the chance to prove that money can’t make us happy.

47. Here’s to you and here’s to me. I hope we never disagree, but if, perchance, we ever do, then here’s to me, and to hell with you.

48. May we be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows we’re dead.

49. Take everything in moderation, including moderation.

50. Here’s to you. You may not be as wise as an owl, but you’re always a hoot.

51. May we never go to hell but always be on our way.

52. To your very good health. May you live to be as old as your jokes.

53. May our children be blessed with rich parents.

54. Here’s to stealing, cheating, and lying: may you steal someone’s heart, cheat death, and lie with your love.

55. May the wind at your back always be your own.

Irish Drinking Toasts

56. May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.

57. For each petal on the shamrock, this brings a wish your way. Good health, good luck, and happiness for today and every day.

58. To all the days here and after, may they be filled with fond memories, happiness, and laughter.

59. May the lilt of Irish laughter lighten every load. May the mist of Irish magic shorten every road. And may all your friends remember all the favors you are owed.

60. May your troubles be less, and your blessings be more. And nothing but happiness come through your door.

61. Always remember to forget the things that made you sad. But never forget to remember the things that made you glad.

62. Dance as if no one were watching, sing as if no one were listening, and live every day as if it were your last.

63. May your heart be light and happy, and may your smile be big and wide. And may your pockets always have a coin or two inside.

64. May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face. And rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, May god hold you in the hollow of his hand.

65. May the luck of the Irish lead to the happiest heights. And the highway you travel be lined with green lights. Wherever you go and whatever you do, may the luck of the Irish be there with you.

Famous Toasts

66. “Here’s to alcohol, the rose-colored glasses of life.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

67. “For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.” – Catherine Zeta-Jones

68. “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says to love your enemy.” – Frank Sinatra

69. “Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough.” – Mark Twain

70. “We are all a little weird, and life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love.” – Dr. Seuss 

71. “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid [their] problems sound to you.” – Megan Mullally 

72. “Be excellent to each other and party on dudes.” – Bill and Ted 

73. “Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns

74. “To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists, and may each one of us always give the devil his due.” – Neil Gaiman

75. “Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends.” – Tom Waits

76. “It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.” – W. C. Fields

77. “To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” – Ogden Nash

78. “Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter, sermons and soda water the day after.” – Lord Byron

79. “Let us toast to animal pleasures, to escapism, to rain on the roof and instant coffee, to unemployment insurance and library cards, to absinthe and good-hearted landlords, to music and warm bodies and contraceptives… and to the “good life,” whatever it is and wherever it happens to be.” – Hunter S. Thompson

80. “The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman